I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
oh my she just said cum sticks to her dentures so when she blows if they let her she takes them out
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
Good for him. He wanted to accomplish walking across niagara, I'm hoping to accomplish not throwing up tomoro nite, we all have our own priorities in life.
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
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