we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
Honestly, I want an afternoon of mild abuse, mixed with face fucking and general molestation that turns in love making, laughter and cinnamon toast crunch naked in bed.
Randomize
