She was not exactly lady-like. Down there.
I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
I just noticed that pic of your cock has a Christmas tree in the background. It's July.
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
