Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
His idea of hot sex is sticking his finger in my dark star while doing me Missionary style. You can tell he's from the Bible Belt.
Does he smell like BBQ?
Inside and out.
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