A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
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