happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
Randomize
