Your dad touched me again.
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
Yea you just drank all the Hookah water, then started talking gibberish about the Kool Aid you just drank.
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
Well at least ssomeone is or the state is tafing over ir in twligiob
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Randomize
