Whiskey dick.
Yea dude! Love it. Hate it. Have it.
Everyday of my life.
you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
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