you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
He was just laying on the stairs and then screamed, "Is that a clubhouse?" I haven't seen him since
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
Randomize
