Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
Hey Kellie. Me putting. My face intebetaeen ut your boobs made my night
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
Randomize
