Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
after everytime she pucked, she insisted on us all giving her high fives
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
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