I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
Is it just me, or does Colt McCoy look like Herbie the Dentist from "Rudolph the Red-nosed Reindeer"?
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
If I had your ass I would rule the world
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
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