Short Circuit remake moving forward, David Carradine dead by his own hand. Come home soon, society deteriorating rapidly. Nation's capitol likely not safe.
Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
Randomize
