i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
i used the pictures of vaginas in your biology book to jack off.
nyquil sex gave me 6 orgasms so I support that
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Randomize
