If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
Randomize
