I'm the only one here who isn't hooking up, coming out of the closet, or crying because of one of those 2 things.
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest
If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
Vodka?
Forever.
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
