you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
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