Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
there should be a relationship option on facebook "stillllll in a relationship"
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
Randomize
