I have a pussy blister if you wanna poke at it with a needle tomorrow...by this text i realize just how strange our relationship is, especially because you're probably excited
I think you mean your blister is filled with pus...atleast i hope
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
Who did he bring home?
Idk. But did you see her shoe choice by the stairs, I'm really not expecting anything great.
Randomize
