Dude you just kept yelling "She was my first asain!" right in front of her.
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
She needs to learn she only fits into our friendship as a DD.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
