The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
Never visiting again. You guys drink like immortals
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
Randomize
