I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
Green mimosas i think yes
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
It's was about average. But he had a tat on his thigh that said "pull-out n' rollout" so I won't have to worry about a round two request.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
Randomize
