$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
i just remembered that i beat off next to you while we were naked and passed out next to each other after last night... No Homo
she was sure she was an eel. She spent 40 minutes sliterhing on the floor to get to her room
the only thing i can think of after seeing avatar is "when are they gonna make avatar porn?"
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
my poor anus
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
Randomize
