Let's start a violent farting gang. We can do walkbys.
we were making out and he got up to change his pants. I wonder what would happen if i took my shirt off.
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
just printed 333 ways to get kicked out of wal-mart. hello thursday night.
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
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