I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
