Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
oh god was she eating orange peels again
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
It's acceptable to bring him back to my parents house and fuck on the couch right??
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
Randomize
