i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
i think blowjobs on the first date are perfectly acceptable. as long as you dont go dick to mouth.
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
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