More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
You have to summon your inner elephant
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
