remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
I think we can all look back on last night and categorize it under, " reason why Cory can't be left at the bar by himself"
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
View of Vancouver Bay is obscured though the greasy hand prints from fucking against the window. Tip maid well.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
My professor is wearing skinny jeans, orange socks and just said penetration. I don't know what to think
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
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