Are you with Adam and his vodka?
Yeswdsssss I masde his pickle gi away ans he go anbnoued
he made me stop in the middle of the blowjob to turn the tv towrds him. i then proceeded when he stopped me again to get him the remote. fuck me.
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
Randomize
