Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
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