I am in a vortex of obligation.
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize