Don't cheat on me with the blonde bimbo religi freak
I wouldn't touch her with a ten foot pole
She's blonde
I just walked by a ginger with a mullet. I repeat GINGER mullet. So help us God.
I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
My T9 Word has dryhumped saved but I can't even get it to figure out bbq.
bad to tell him im pregnant over fbook chat?
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
Randomize
