So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
Btw, I'm really high so I apologize if anything I say gets translated into arabic.
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
Drunk walkin through police station. America
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
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