She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
Not as much as my roommate, who is in the middle of one of the pictures throwing a lawn chair at a cop car lol.
You're dick is like the main character. It needs its own picture.
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
It's next to that place that has cock fighting.
Randomize
