If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
eric is really sick so I'm taking care of him! :(
just blow him with soup in your mouth.
No, its ok. Im playing strip pretty pretty princess im currently dueling for the crown
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
Randomize
