I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
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