they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
Randomize
