There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
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