I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
Lets both be adults and never talk about last night again.
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
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