in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Randomize
