my soul wont recognize me after tonight
Needless to say Beer Gardens severly frowns upon playing flip cups with real glasses.
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
Randomize