He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
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