hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
Is pulling weed out of a vagina a good thing or a bad thing?
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
I'm proud of our boobs and what they could potentially achieve in life.
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
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