She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
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