Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
Randomize
