I think I won the penis lottery.
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
That's the great thing about NY, if you pee your dress you have an entire cab ride to air dry your panties before the next club.
they're using the ping pong table for ping pong. it's weird
I miss vodka workout Fridays
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
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