dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Randomize
