fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
Holy shit dude........stairs
DON NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES WATCH CLOWN PORN.
Randomize
