Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize
