Amandyke just told me shes gonna make my tongue her cum rag. i'm borderline terrified
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
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