How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
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