i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
And you kept repeating "I didn't know know that this was a no blow job zone."
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
The hint wasn't even a hint. it said "stop talking to her" that's pretty straightforward
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
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