Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
the line at the liquor store is out the door, and students in line are high-fiving like crazy...i love college snow days
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
As weird as that was it was probably the best advice i've ever gotten from a tranny
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
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