I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
She thinks I'm afraid I'm gonna get caught in one of my lies and some of the girls I'm fucking will find out about each other. But it would be a relief to offload a few from the old crop and work in a few newbies into the rotation. The organization could use some new blood.
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
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