You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
You can't just take out your bong for hits in public places... That's what pipes are for. You've got to be stealthier.
No, it's okay because this is the city of trees.
YOU'VE ALREADY BEEN BUSTED MORE THAN ONCE. THAT'S NOT A VALID EXCUSE FOR BONG HITS IN COFFEE GARDEN
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
Randomize
