This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
Randomize
