I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
all im saying is 27 is too old to still be drinking 40s, you make more money than me, buy some decent shit
screw you you golddigging beer snob
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
Where are you guys?
Drunk
Randomize
