sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Randomize
