He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
Randomize
