I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
Randomize
