why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
It's official! Naked girl is back and making stir fry. Still not sure she realizes we can see her whole apartment from our balcony. Cheap beer and a show.
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