Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
You should never have let annie watch you have sex with other women
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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