This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
