Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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