how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
And I know a few people wouldnt want to even be around high people. Which is sad. But jet packs are cool.
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
Is this like a preordered booty call?
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Randomize
