my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
I want a musical about memes.
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
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