Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
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